So if when you dream, your mind assumes it is a reality, can it be considered an actual event? Take love, for example. If a previous memory is stirred, and you feel feelings that you were not consciously aware that you had any recollection of-did they really happen?
I could do without the negative dreams. However, the dreams that allow me to recall a past better time are refreshing, though few and far between.
I used to wake up in a rage having had a dream in which I had been deceived or betrayed. I would carry that feeling with me, convinced that because it felt so real, there had to be some truth to it. My findings always resulted in the conclusion that I am on the verge of going insane. Lol. I am in no way trying to be jinxed but, my subconscious seems to have abandoned the betrayal topic and merged into pleasant thoughts and ideas-always associated with memories.
For now I will accept that they are just dreams and hold them to nothing more than face value. "After all, it's our dreams makes us what we are."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Girl
We have had 3 boys. I had no desire to ever have a girl until my third pregnancy. We had been lucky enough to get the two boys that we had wanted and so we figured that by default our third child would be a girl. On the way to our first ultra sound, which I had set up right after finding out that I was pregnant, Brett and I decided that our daughter's name was Caitlyn. We were pretty proud of the name as it seemed natural to our family. At the ultrasound, we quickly found out that we were having another son. We were in no way disappointed and promised each other that we would tuck the name Caitlyn away and use it for the child that we would intentionally have in 5-6 years that would most certainly be a girl. What were the odds of 4 boys?
After our 3rd son's birth we affectionately referred to our hypothetical future daughter by the name that we had picked out for her.
About a year and a half later, Brett's brother's girl friend stole our baby's name and so we had to change the spelling. I had told her in blissful ignorance our intention of naming our daughter Katelyn and the next thing we knew, they had a baby named Katelyn. A whole nother story entirely.
To our giant surprise, I found out that I was 4 months along with our daughter in on December 31st of 2008. Throughout the rest of the pregnancy I fretted about being the mother to a little daughter. With boys, I had always had to rely upon Brett to be the example. Not that I always felt I had my bases covered, but it certainly took the pressure off of me. I didn't know how to be a healthy example to this tiny little lady when I didn't even know when to identify the signs of pregnancy even in my forth go round.
I had never really been able to stand other females for very long periods of time. I knew what an emotional wreck I could be at times and the thought of dealing with another little wreck actually turned my stomach. It was a subject that I had brought up to Brett for years. I always expressed satisfaction with the fact that boys were good with a ball and a stick to beat on bricks with. Girls though, girls were complex beings. The girl emotion was not always fair. I thought of my female employees at work and how emotional and seeming irrational they had the tendencies to be. So many days I had went into my office and pinched the sides of my face unable to bare the irrational crying. The thing that held me in limbo the most was, though I refused to stoop to this level at work or near my peers, I knew inside that I was fully capable of these behaviors.
All three of my previous deliveries had been considerably early. Caitlyn was not. Caitlyn had no desire to make an appearance before she was ready. She set the standard right from the beginning. As I held her in my arms for the first time, I was in awe. She was just another baby, but she held me captive with intrigue. Brett and I handled her delicately, not sure what to expect from the small girl. Her cries were sweet and delicate-always deliberate of course. She had us wrapped around her tiny femine fingers right from the start.
We were amazed by the fact that she had girl like movements. This sounds odd but, having had 3 sons, it was quite awaking for us to discover that she slept like an angel with her tiny hands clasped beneath her cheek. Her every movement differed from the boys. Her tiniest motions were embellished with her femine edge.
We discovered quite quickly that she was a very peaceful baby. Unlike the boys, she had the tendency to naggingly whine until what she wanted was achieved.
I found in myself a person that I didn't recognize. I had always convinced myself that I was incapable of handling a high maintenance girl. I found myself loving every minute of her high maintenance whims. She was so unique and different than the boys that she had a constant captive audience as my husband and I responded to her every whim, with an eagerness to assist.
I discovered that the need to be fashionable was an inherent right of a female. As Caitlyn got older, she became keenly aware when her outfit needed a refresh. Of course her father never picked up on these cues as he was not naturally inclined to change his clothes more than once every few days. and it would never phase him to think that anyone else would need such a thing.
I went back to work after my 5 weeks with my new daughter. As always the pain of leaving my small treasure was haunting but lessened the longer I was aways from her. Her need for me also lessened as she grew fonder and fonder of her father. We have finally reached the days where she does not even look over when I enter the house after a long day. She stays safely in her daddy's arms, looking on.
I have to admire their relationship. It very much reminds me of my own relationship with my father. I thought the world of him. I have achieved disappointing him on more than one occasion and it was some of the greatest pain I have ever felt. I see this in them. Naturally Brett always gets a little bashful when our Caitly expresses her preference for him by reaching for him or calling out to him and the likes. I can appreciate his apprehensions as he quickly tries to brush it off with a silly comment. I am incredibly proud though. I know that Cait's connection to her Dad will be one of the best in her life. I, of course, have to secretly hope that at some point she will need me as well. Not in the same way, but she will need me like I need her.
After our 3rd son's birth we affectionately referred to our hypothetical future daughter by the name that we had picked out for her.
About a year and a half later, Brett's brother's girl friend stole our baby's name and so we had to change the spelling. I had told her in blissful ignorance our intention of naming our daughter Katelyn and the next thing we knew, they had a baby named Katelyn. A whole nother story entirely.
To our giant surprise, I found out that I was 4 months along with our daughter in on December 31st of 2008. Throughout the rest of the pregnancy I fretted about being the mother to a little daughter. With boys, I had always had to rely upon Brett to be the example. Not that I always felt I had my bases covered, but it certainly took the pressure off of me. I didn't know how to be a healthy example to this tiny little lady when I didn't even know when to identify the signs of pregnancy even in my forth go round.
I had never really been able to stand other females for very long periods of time. I knew what an emotional wreck I could be at times and the thought of dealing with another little wreck actually turned my stomach. It was a subject that I had brought up to Brett for years. I always expressed satisfaction with the fact that boys were good with a ball and a stick to beat on bricks with. Girls though, girls were complex beings. The girl emotion was not always fair. I thought of my female employees at work and how emotional and seeming irrational they had the tendencies to be. So many days I had went into my office and pinched the sides of my face unable to bare the irrational crying. The thing that held me in limbo the most was, though I refused to stoop to this level at work or near my peers, I knew inside that I was fully capable of these behaviors.
All three of my previous deliveries had been considerably early. Caitlyn was not. Caitlyn had no desire to make an appearance before she was ready. She set the standard right from the beginning. As I held her in my arms for the first time, I was in awe. She was just another baby, but she held me captive with intrigue. Brett and I handled her delicately, not sure what to expect from the small girl. Her cries were sweet and delicate-always deliberate of course. She had us wrapped around her tiny femine fingers right from the start.
We were amazed by the fact that she had girl like movements. This sounds odd but, having had 3 sons, it was quite awaking for us to discover that she slept like an angel with her tiny hands clasped beneath her cheek. Her every movement differed from the boys. Her tiniest motions were embellished with her femine edge.
We discovered quite quickly that she was a very peaceful baby. Unlike the boys, she had the tendency to naggingly whine until what she wanted was achieved.
I found in myself a person that I didn't recognize. I had always convinced myself that I was incapable of handling a high maintenance girl. I found myself loving every minute of her high maintenance whims. She was so unique and different than the boys that she had a constant captive audience as my husband and I responded to her every whim, with an eagerness to assist.
I discovered that the need to be fashionable was an inherent right of a female. As Caitlyn got older, she became keenly aware when her outfit needed a refresh. Of course her father never picked up on these cues as he was not naturally inclined to change his clothes more than once every few days. and it would never phase him to think that anyone else would need such a thing.
I went back to work after my 5 weeks with my new daughter. As always the pain of leaving my small treasure was haunting but lessened the longer I was aways from her. Her need for me also lessened as she grew fonder and fonder of her father. We have finally reached the days where she does not even look over when I enter the house after a long day. She stays safely in her daddy's arms, looking on.
I have to admire their relationship. It very much reminds me of my own relationship with my father. I thought the world of him. I have achieved disappointing him on more than one occasion and it was some of the greatest pain I have ever felt. I see this in them. Naturally Brett always gets a little bashful when our Caitly expresses her preference for him by reaching for him or calling out to him and the likes. I can appreciate his apprehensions as he quickly tries to brush it off with a silly comment. I am incredibly proud though. I know that Cait's connection to her Dad will be one of the best in her life. I, of course, have to secretly hope that at some point she will need me as well. Not in the same way, but she will need me like I need her.
A Simple Rambling
I used to dream every night that I was traveling. I fear looking it up in dream meanings. I always love to find that there is some underlying problem that is manifesting itself through my dreams. Anyway, I love to travel. Like I said, I dream of travel. I always figured that one day, it seems about now, I would be to the point where I could go anywhere I wanted. Hum, that point never really came. I had 4 four children instead and a husband.
All throughout the first part of our marriage I anticipated what a fabulous person he would be to adventure with. We seemed to like the same things. We used to like to hike and repel. Why wouldn't we like to travel together. Last month we finally got to take our own adventure together. Not too far from here. We flew down to Las Vegas. I anticipated the trip for a month. I talked about it, pack for both of us, plus kids of course, made plans for the kids, and like many other things, the climax was...disappointing. I was shocked. I had a small taste of his lack of adventure 2 years before when we went on a small family trip and he wanted to stay in the room the whole time or by the pool. I thought it was merely a fluke. Maybe a small lack of enthusiasm due to the fact that we had the children. It wasn't. He turned out to be purely uninterested.
My whole concern is, what happens when we finally get to that point where we are able to tour the world? Go at our leisure? I suppose I will be a one woman show. I love spending time with the guy. This discovery just turned out to be such a shocking disappointment. His idea of fun and adventure is slaying a great dragon in a game. Silly, and I even find myself loving the guy for what I concider his oddities. He has over and over labeled himself as unchangeable and so I know that this is a feat I should not even dare to take on. We will see. Maybe age will make him better. Like a wine.
All throughout the first part of our marriage I anticipated what a fabulous person he would be to adventure with. We seemed to like the same things. We used to like to hike and repel. Why wouldn't we like to travel together. Last month we finally got to take our own adventure together. Not too far from here. We flew down to Las Vegas. I anticipated the trip for a month. I talked about it, pack for both of us, plus kids of course, made plans for the kids, and like many other things, the climax was...disappointing. I was shocked. I had a small taste of his lack of adventure 2 years before when we went on a small family trip and he wanted to stay in the room the whole time or by the pool. I thought it was merely a fluke. Maybe a small lack of enthusiasm due to the fact that we had the children. It wasn't. He turned out to be purely uninterested.
My whole concern is, what happens when we finally get to that point where we are able to tour the world? Go at our leisure? I suppose I will be a one woman show. I love spending time with the guy. This discovery just turned out to be such a shocking disappointment. His idea of fun and adventure is slaying a great dragon in a game. Silly, and I even find myself loving the guy for what I concider his oddities. He has over and over labeled himself as unchangeable and so I know that this is a feat I should not even dare to take on. We will see. Maybe age will make him better. Like a wine.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)